Forgiveness and Healing from Trauma: How to Find Freedom When Someone Has Hurt You Deeply
- Jul 31
- 7 min read
Updated: Aug 4
When someone wrongs you in a deep way, the pain does not stay contained to a single moment, such as the moment it happened. It lives on inside us as resentment, anger, fear, and a longing for justice. These emotions often end up directed at the person who hurt us, ourselves, those around us, and even at God.
Forgiveness is one of the ways we keep these emotions from affecting the rest of our lives. Forgiving someone is not the same as just denying that they hurt you; it is a path to move on from the pain, and it is a path you do not walk alone—God is for you, near to the brokenhearted, and present in every step of your healing. If you are in the middle of suffering from resentment, then this blog will aim to help you through that pain.
Florecer Family Counseling understands that working through deep wounds and resentment takes time and effort. Going through that process is difficult to do on your own, but we are more than willing to stand with you to get you through it. Contact us today or schedule a 20-minute consultation call with a therapist.
What Forgiveness Is and What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiveness is the decision to release the hold that resentment has on you. It is choosing to let go of the debt you feel the other person owes you, so that your inner life is no longer centered around the wound. It is just as important to know what forgiveness is not, because false ideas about it keep many people stuck.
Forgiveness is not saying the harm didn't matter. It is not excusing, minimizing, or forgetting. It is not the same as reconciliation—you can forgive someone you never speak to again. It does not mean abandoning justice or accountability, and it does not require you to feel safe around someone who is still dangerous.
You can forgive and still set firm boundaries. Understanding this frees you to forgive without betraying yourself or pretending the wound wasn't real.
Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation: When Reconciliation Is Possible
If forgiveness is something you can do on your own, reconciliation is different—it takes two. Forgiveness restores you; reconciliation restores a relationship, and a relationship cannot be rebuilt by only one party. Reconciliation becomes possible only when certain things are in place. There has to be:
Safety: You should never be asked to return to a situation that still harms you.
Both people have to be willing to do their own part: Which means the one who caused the harm takes honest responsibility rather than minimizing it, and you are free to bring your own honesty as well.
Trust has to be rebuilt: Slowly and through changed action over time, not demanded or rushed. Trust that was broken is earned back, not owed.
Sometimes those conditions come together, and reconciliation is achieved. Sometimes they never do—because the other person isn't safe, isn't willing, or isn't present anymore. Either way, your healing does not depend on it. You can be whole, and free, and at peace, even with a relationship that is never restored. Forgiveness is always available to you; reconciliation is a gift only when the ground is safe enough to receive it.
How Unforgiveness Keeps You Bound
As long as resentment burns, the person who hurt you continues to occupy space inside you. Your emotions, reactions, and sense of self stay tied to them. In a painful irony, unforgiveness keeps the relationship alive—not in friendship, but in a constant inner replaying of the offense. The offender may have moved on, or they may not even know your pain. Yet they still shape your days through the grip of your resentment. Forgiveness is how you sever that attachment and reclaim the inner space the wound has been occupying. It is something you do for yourself, not for the one who hurt you—and it is something God longs to help you do as well.
The Process of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is rarely a single moment; it is a process you may have to choose again and again. And it cannot be rushed past your real emotions. Below are a few ways to begin processing your forgiveness:
Journaling
Begin by noticing what you feel. Healing asks us to turn toward our emotions rather than away from them. Pay attention to the anger, the grief, the fear, the shame as they surface, and let them tell you the truth about how deeply you were hurt. Journaling can help here—writing things down slows the racing mind, names what is tangled, and gives your pain a place to land outside of you. There is no need to edit or tidy what you write; honesty is the point.
Prayer
Then bring it all to God in prayer. You do not have to clean yourself up first or find the right words. You can pour out the raw, unfinished, even angry contents of your heart, just as the Psalms do. Ask him for his care and his comfort. Ask him to sit with you in the pain you've named. Time spent with God in this way is not one more task to perform—it is rest, and it is where healing quietly takes root.
Grieving
This is where lament matters. Before you can release a wound, you have to name it honestly—to grieve what was taken, to speak the anger and sorrow out loud rather than burying them. Lament is the honest expression of pain, and many faith traditions treat it as sacred, not shameful. The Psalms are full of raw complaint to God. Letting yourself mourn is not a detour from forgiveness; it is part of the road.
And as you do this, remember that God is for you. He is not waiting impatiently for you to get over it. He is the one who draws near to the brokenhearted, who collects your tears, who works your healing from the inside out. You are not manufacturing forgiveness by willpower—you are being accompanied towards that goal.
Struggling with the Commandment to Forgive
For many people of faith, the call to forgive becomes its own burden. You may feel that you should have forgiven already, and that your inability means you are not being as faithful as you should be. Because of this, the guilt can pile a second wound on top of the first.
It helps to remember that the commandment to forgive is an invitation toward freedom, not a test you pass or fail in a single act. If forgiveness is hard, that does not mean you are doing it wrong—it means the wound was very deep and painful. Trying to offer forgiveness before your heart is ready can lead to a hollow forgiveness that is only accompanied by the same previous pain. You are allowed to be honest with God about how hard it is, and to ask for help in becoming willing, rather than forcing a feeling you don't yet have. The same God who asks you to forgive also offers you the grace and strength to do it—you are not asked to find that strength alone.
How to Forgive Yourself After Trauma
Trauma rarely leaves the wounded person at peace with themselves. Survivors often carry a quiet, persistent self-blame: "I should have seen it coming." "I should have fought back," or "spoken up," or "left sooner." "Maybe I caused this." Sometimes the anger that belongs to the perpetrator gets turned inward instead, because that can feel safer than directing it where it belongs.
Forgiving yourself begins with telling the truth about responsibility. Much of what survivors blame themselves for was never theirs to carry—the choices of the person who hurt them belong to that person, not to you. Self-forgiveness is partly the work of setting that weight down and refusing to hold yourself accountable for someone else's wrong.
And where you did fall short—because we are all human and none of us respond to pain perfectly—self-forgiveness means extending to yourself the same compassion you would offer a friend in your situation. You would not pile contempt on someone you loved who had been hurt. You can learn to stop doing it to yourself. Carrying self-condemnation keeps you just as bound to the wound as resentment toward another. This is where grace meets you: God already accepts and loves you, not because you responded flawlessly, but simply because you are his. If God does not hold it against you, you can begin to release it too.
Forgiveness Is the Fruit of Healing, Not Only a Tool for It
Attempting to forgive someone after they have deeply hurt you is always difficult and takes time. It does not require you to minimize your pain, rush your emotions, or restore a relationship that is not yet safe. Whether you are working to forgive someone who hurt you or learning to extend that same grace to yourself, you are not meant to find your way through it alone. Florecer Family Counseling is more than ready to help you begin the process of forgiveness. Contact us today to schedule a free 20-minute consultation to learn more about how we can help you.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What happens when I try to forgive someone when my heart isn't ready? Forcing forgiveness too soon can lead to a hollow forgiveness — one that feels empty and leaves the same pain behind. It's okay to be honest about where you are and ask for help in becoming ready.
How do I know whether someone is safe to forgive or not? Forgiveness and safety are two different things — you can forgive someone and still keep your distance.
How does resentment affect my everyday life? When you hold onto resentment, the person who hurt you takes up space in your mind and shapes how you feel each day. Even if they've moved on, their actions keep affecting you through the grip of that anger.
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